:(

I'll preface this by saying that I know it's a bummer of a post, but it's my blog & I'll post what I want to! So there.

The adoption has been on my mind a lot lately, ever since our friends received their referral (on my birthday no less – how cool is that!). There were 3 referrals (that we know of) earlier this month, and nothing (again – that we know of) since then. We’re halfway down the list now, and every referral gets us closer to our girl, but I can’t help feeling really bummed out about the lack of progress. This past weekend, someone close to me mentioned that they thought that couples without children should receive priority for referrals. Wow – that really spoke to me, and I can’t deny that it’s something I’ve thought about a lot. On one hand, I totally understand the current policy, which is essentially first come, first served (or, the family who has the oldest DTE – dossier to Ethiopia date- who is the best match for the child gets the referral). It’s the fairest, least objectionable method. But on the other hand, as a person (and part of a couple) hurtling toward the age of 40, I can’t deny that I cry a little every time someone who already has kids (bio or adopted) gets a referral, or passes court, or travels to pick up their child. Or rants on the adoptive families message board about how everything is so slow & where are the referrals so “she” can get her referral, when “she” already has 2 kids. “She” already knows the joy of children in her life, why can’t those of us who don’t have kids experience the joys of parenthood before those who already have kids add to their family? I fully acknowledge that this is a petty way to think & feel, that these families have been playing the waiting game longer than we have, and are every bit as deserving of a referral as those of us with no children. But I can’t deny that it’s the way I feel, sometimes. And I can’t deny that the fact that the list has at least 50 other families ahead of us waiting on a similar child placement stretches before me like a road that seems to be never-ending. And on that road you’ll sometimes see a mirage, something that makes you think, wow, we’re getting so close to our dream, so close to the end of the road. And then there’s another turn, another detour, another 100 kms to go. And you think, “I’m never going to get there”. And then traffic starts to move again & you think, “hey, we’re almost there” but no, there’s more delays. You lose sight of the destination. You lose hope. And everywhere are reminders of what it’s like when you get there. Big pregnant bellies, tiny babies snuggled in their mother’s arms, baby showers for pregnant co-workers. And still, your arms are empty. And you’re afraid to hope, afraid to start making a place in your home for a child that may never arrive.

And then you realize – CRAP! I forgot to ask my sister-in-law what she wants for her fast-approaching birthday. And – oh man – where are we going to get the money to allow us to take the “40th birthday Hawaii cruise extravaganza!” that will make it possible to see your best friend again, who you haven’t seen in over 3 years, who has a child now that you’ve never met. Where’s Oprah when you need her? And you’re loving your new vacuum, which is Dyson-esque at a much more affordable price, and cleans the floors so well that the colour of the carpet changes back to its “factory setting” (if you will). Darn cats & their shedding…. And you’re looking forward to going out to dinner on Wednesday, because it means you’ll be seeing your friends for the first time since their referral, and you can’t wait to see if they look different, or act different or something, because that’s a major life experience, and it has to change you somehow.

And you think, “you know what? My life’s not that bad, but it’d be so much better if I were a parent”.

You take the good, you take the bad,

You take ‘em both & there you have the facts of life, the facts of life….. You’re welcome for the ear-worm, I aim to please. So, how have you all been? I’ve been well, thanks for asking. One of the days last week was my birthday, and that’s always fun. Andrew had a out-patient procedure the same day (he had a skin cancer removed from his scalp), so we took the rest of the day off & had a pretty damn good day – lunch at Canyon Creek (which has now surpassed the Keg as my fave steak restaurant) and shopping at Square One was the order of the day. I also received a beautiful lap quilt from my mom a couple of weeks before hand, and a Pandora bracelet from Andrew on the day. I’ve been eye-ing those bracelets for quite a few years now, so it’s nice to finally be able to wear one! Those who know me know of my love for all things sparkly, especially jewelry. It’s always been my “thing”, even when I was a little kid. I think I take after my dad’s mom, who I am named after.

In other good news, our good “adoption friends” that live in our town received their referral at the end of last week, just in time for Mothers Day! They received a referral for a 2.5 year old boy. While we are insanely jealous, we are also over-the-moon happy for them – they’ve been playing the adoption waiting game about 6 months longer than we have. They were open to a child of either sex, up to 36 months old, I believe, whereas we are waiting for a girl, up to 18 months old, so we’ll still be waiting for a while. Not too long, I hope. According to my calculations, we’re about halfway down the list now from our original number of 111. It’s taken us about 1.5 years to come this far down the list, hopefully it doesn’t take us that much longer to get our referral. With all the changes that happen in international adoption, though, you just never know. Anyway, it’s going to be interesting to “know” someone going through the process ahead of us – court date, waiting for visa, picking up the child – it will be invaluable to have a inside perspective on what will happen to us down the road. According to the agency, our file is now waiting for the statutory declaration. Once that is complete, it will go to Ethiopia, and we will once again be “officially” waiting for a referral.

Since the weather has taken a turn for the better I’ve been pottering around the garden a bit more. I’ve been wanting to clean out the dead leaves & such from last year, and finally got a chance to do that yesterday. I also pulled a fair few dandelions – stupid weeds. Our daffodils are blooming, and our tulips look poised to do the same in the next couple of days. One of the tulips is especially special to me – the year before my grandpa passed away (this is my dad’s dad) he gave me some lamium (a ground cover plant) from his garden. Unbeknownst to any of us, in the bunch of lamium he gave me was 1 tulip bulb. The first year, just the leaves came up, which was a surprise in itself. The next year, though, the tulip bloomed. It’s a red tulip, with yellow around the edge of each petal. The petals are pointed, too, as opposed to rounded like a “normal” tulip. I haven’t figured out what kind of tulip it is yet, but it’s the only red tulip in a sea of pink & purple tulips, so it’s pretty unique. After I cleaned out the garden of a winters worth of detritus, I planted some annuals that I picked up at my favourite nursery – some celosias & snapdragons. It already looks a million times better than it did just a day ago. Now we have to get going on the veggie garden but that can wait a few weeks. We did plant some spearmint yesterday, though – mojitos here we come.

Well, that’s all I have to say for today. I’m a bit down & a bit tired & a lot ready for a vacation. Speaking of vacation, we’ve been invited to a wedding in Jamaica next January, but then we’re meant to be going on a cruise in Hawaii next fall (but I’m not even sure if that’s still happening – Vicki?). What to do? We don’t have enough money for both. Who knows – if we get our referral early next year, we may not have money for either. I just know I need to get away, and recharge my batteries.

Well, that's enough random for today.