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Monday, October 26, 2009

It should be me

Our niece's christening was yesterday. It was a beautiful day, bright & sunny after a dreadfully gloomy day on Saturday. She was one of 5 babies being baptised that day, and she was the only one that didn't cry at all. She was just a little angel, which is fitting, I suppose! Sitting in the pew, though, for those 2 hours, all I could think was, this should be me, or more accurately, us. I'm almost 4 years older than my brother, it should be my child being baptised, everyone should be happy for me, for Andrew, for Wren, for us. Selfish. I know it. Most of the time I'm on top of the mourning for what hasn't happened yet, but yesterday it was front & centre. There were several times during the (long) service where I was almost in tears. I don't begrudge my brother his family (especially our sweet angel Evie) but I can't help but be insanely jealous. All this uncertainty with the adoption doesn't help either. At this rate I'll be an auntie again before I get Wren home. I know it's my own fault that we don't have any kids, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. Sigh.

3 comments:

CinnamonOpus said...

I hear you. Boy, do I hear you. That was me, just a few years ago. But hey, let me stand as proof positive that it DOES happen, and that you WILL get there.

Hugs.

Vicki said...

I get it too. Funny I'm now having that thing where I feel qualified to say "I know how you feel" but also struggling with the guilt of being pregnant while you are still waiting for Wren. I love & miss you *hug*.

Janna said...

Don't feel guilty for being pregnant! I certainly don't have any problems at all with you living your dream! And it's not your fault there's a delay in the adoption process. That would be the fault of the nasty bitch that selfishly spent my money on herself. In keeping with the Halloween spirit, may she rot in hell!