It should be me

Our niece's christening was yesterday. It was a beautiful day, bright & sunny after a dreadfully gloomy day on Saturday. She was one of 5 babies being baptised that day, and she was the only one that didn't cry at all. She was just a little angel, which is fitting, I suppose! Sitting in the pew, though, for those 2 hours, all I could think was, this should be me, or more accurately, us. I'm almost 4 years older than my brother, it should be my child being baptised, everyone should be happy for me, for Andrew, for Wren, for us. Selfish. I know it. Most of the time I'm on top of the mourning for what hasn't happened yet, but yesterday it was front & centre. There were several times during the (long) service where I was almost in tears. I don't begrudge my brother his family (especially our sweet angel Evie) but I can't help but be insanely jealous. All this uncertainty with the adoption doesn't help either. At this rate I'll be an auntie again before I get Wren home. I know it's my own fault that we don't have any kids, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. Sigh.