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Monday, May 10, 2010

So far away

I am feeling so far away lately. Since yesterday (Mother's Day) I've been feeling far away from being a mother. I still feel that this adoption will be successful, but not knowing when is pretty upsetting sometimes. On a day when society celebrates mothers, I feel so invisible. And I'm feeling so far away from my best friend, who is in her last weeks of pregnancy with her first, long-awaited child. Her baby shower was just over a week ago, and seeing the pictures of the shower & the pictures of her so heavily pregnant is like a dagger in my heart (to be melodramatic). I can't help feeling that I should be there, with her, in the delivery room, holding her hand, trying to make her laugh (and probably failing). To see the beautiful face of her baby just moments after birth, to celebrate with her and her husband. Instead, all I can do is sit here & cry & feel sorry for myself. For the last 7 months or so, all I've been able to do is kick myself for moving back to Canada. I know, boo hoo. But I guess everyone deserves a little self-pity once in a while. Seems like, as an waiting adoptive parent, I indulge myself a little more with the self-pity than maybe I should.


Vicki said...

Oh honey - this sucks.
You made your decision to move based on how you felt at the time - at that time - it was the best decision for you. You can't regret a decision you made way back when! (well you can - but shouldn't). It's so easy in hindsite to want to take it back - but who's to say that if you'd stayed in Oz there wouldn't have been things you'd missed in Canada - like being around your gorgeous niece, & being there for your family when they needed you. Do me a favour & think about all the things you would have missed over there if you had been here. I promise you would have missed more. Also you have completely avoided that crap igen system!
I'm not trying to invalidate how you are feeling - but please try to focus on the good stuff. I love you.

CinnamonOpus said...

You're entitled. People always say adoption is not for the faint of heart, but it really is true. And it's a very isolating experience, because so few people can understand what it feels like to be in an agonizing wait like this, with all the emotions that come with it...

Rely on your been there, done that friends to understand. We're all here. We know.

Janna said...

Thanks Cinn. Your support means a lot.

Janna said...

I know Vicki, I know I made the right decision, but it's so hard at times like these, and when your dad was sick. It's hard to sit here & not be able to help you or be there for you. And to see your baby in person. That's what I'm going to miss the most. Some days are good, and others suck A LOT. Yesterday was one of those sucky days. I love you too, never forget that.