Monday, May 10, 2010
So far away
I am feeling so far away lately. Since yesterday (Mother's Day) I've been feeling far away from being a mother. I still feel that this adoption will be successful, but not knowing when is pretty upsetting sometimes. On a day when society celebrates mothers, I feel so invisible. And I'm feeling so far away from my best friend, who is in her last weeks of pregnancy with her first, long-awaited child. Her baby shower was just over a week ago, and seeing the pictures of the shower & the pictures of her so heavily pregnant is like a dagger in my heart (to be melodramatic). I can't help feeling that I should be there, with her, in the delivery room, holding her hand, trying to make her laugh (and probably failing). To see the beautiful face of her baby just moments after birth, to celebrate with her and her husband. Instead, all I can do is sit here & cry & feel sorry for myself. For the last 7 months or so, all I've been able to do is kick myself for moving back to Canada. I know, boo hoo. But I guess everyone deserves a little self-pity once in a while. Seems like, as an waiting adoptive parent, I indulge myself a little more with the self-pity than maybe I should.